It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
