Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
