I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
