I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
