The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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