Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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