don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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