Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize