I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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