You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
