I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
