so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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