I wish I could teleport
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
