I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
