got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize