but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I want a musical about memes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
