I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
