Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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