i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
