I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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