I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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