He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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