I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
