I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
