did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
