he puts the penis in happiness.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I AM VODKA MAN
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Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I forget how to act sober
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