I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
