i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I will die if light touches me.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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