after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
