Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
