Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Congratulations! We have a period
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