I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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