Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
