a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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