ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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