So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
