I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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