Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
