Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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