Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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