Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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