Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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