Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
