I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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