True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
