I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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