pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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