My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
