hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
