Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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