did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
