some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
