Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
