I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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