Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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