woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
